{"id":270,"date":"2019-05-06T16:09:16","date_gmt":"2019-05-06T15:09:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/?page_id=270"},"modified":"2024-09-05T18:59:29","modified_gmt":"2024-09-05T17:59:29","slug":"a-scene-from-my-life","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/?page_id=270","title":{"rendered":"A scene from my life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Context.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Lots of children have an admission to hospital and in many\nways, my time as a patient in Tadworth Court hospital was an unremarkable\nexperience. It is not something I dwell on. Opening a box of family keepsakes\nfor another reason prompted me to look at some of the items and photographs of\nthe time with a fresh perspective and reflect on just why they had been kept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was born with a disability of my left leg called a club\nfoot which required specialist intervention. In fact, my first memory is associated\nwith this because I remember being lifted out of a cot at Great Ormond Street hospital.\nI possibly had been admitted for a procedure called manipulation under\nanaesthesia. There was a fire in the building and I recall a massive amount of\nsmoke and great staff anxiety. I\u2019ve not been able to find any historical record\nof this event. My parents mentioned it in passing in later years, but now I\nwonder what impact it had on them and how they viewed the possibility of\nfurther admissions for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An operation is advised.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\n \n \nIt was put to me in quite a straight forward way that this operation\nwas necessary and would make my leg better. For the admission I went to Great\nOrmond Street first and transferred with three other patients to Tadworth Court\nhospital by ambulance.\n\n\n\n\n\nWhen we arrived it was mid-afternoon and a bath was\nrequired. This all seemed bizarre to me. It is the first time I can recall\nbecoming an observer of interesting facts, experiences and observations which\nwere well outside my previous life to that point.  I was going to have many of these over the\nnext few months and perhaps they set in me a pattern of thinking for the future.\n\n\n\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Letter
We didn’t have a telephone at home then. This seems to be a rather stark matter of fact letter.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Letter
The duties of the almoner have been taken over by social workers.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"Entrance
Main Entrance to Tadworth Court hospital in 1957.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Exterior
Exterior of main building, Tadworth Court hospital in 1957. <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
My mum and dad took a few photographs of me before my operation.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
In the grounds of Tadworth Court hospital.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
If you look closely at the photographs with my parents in you can see the worry expressed on their faces.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n
\"\"
I was unaware of how they were feeling at the time.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

On their first visit, they left me with a few comics, but most surprising was the gift of a Kodak Brownie 127 camera and a couple of films. This was a simple camera that took 8 pictures on a roll of film. Unlike digital, the film has to be sent off for processing and prints made. It was an expensive hobby. I can see now that my interest in photography dates from then and that it was more than simply taking photos, but it was to record and illustrate in a documentary fashion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The operation.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Zachary Merton was an\nopen plan, nightingale style ward and I was in a bed on the right\nhand side towards the end. One of the nurses explained that I would\nhave a pre-med, feel drowsy, probably fall asleep and then wake up\nback in my bed. And that was what happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had seen other\nchildren come round from their surgery on previous days so I had a\nvague idea of what was involved, and had discussed it with them.\nHowever what I was not prepared for was the excruciating pain. I had\na tendon transplant and this involved several incisions, one of which\nwas extremely painful. For years afterwards it remained very\nsensitive and painful to touch. Even now, more than 60 years later if\nI think about it I can still sense the pain acutely. Yet other sites\nand injuries have never had that lasting effect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whilst on post\noperative experiences I certainly had vivid, near psychotic dreams,\nseeing a bright light emanating from a stage. In my dream I was in\nthe audience. It didn\u2019t disturb me, and even at the age of 5 I was\nable to reason that this was likely to be related to the anaesthetic\nin some way. The major site had become infected and there were times\nI was delirious. After a few days the acute pain subsided. I was in\na below knee plaster for a number of weeks. It was changed a few\ntimes, initially for dressing checks and these were distressing and\npainful experiences. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My energy levels were\nvery low. We had school lessons and I progressed with my reading but\nrecall finding it far too difficult to concentrate on anything at\nall. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communications from outside hospital.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Almost every day I\nreceived a post-card or two, sometimes a letter. What is striking\nabout these is the relentless positive expectations in the\ncommunications, somewhat in contrast to how I was actually feeling.\nEven then though, I could see that the authors were trying to cheer\nme up. Also the cards were a pointer to me that this was a bigger\ndeal than I had been led to believe. One surprising letter was from\nSooty enrolling me his club. I wondered how he knew I was in\nhospital. I also appreciated the sentiments written on the card,\nwhich at the time I thought more appropriate than some of the others\nI was receiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Sooty's<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Membership<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Card
Best wishes from Harry Corbett and Sooty.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Sooty hopes I will get well again soon.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"Post
I enjoyed getting the cards.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Card
We had a dog called Sooty and a cat called Harvey.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Another notable batch\nof letters came from my school friends. This really did surprise me.\nI don\u2019t think you can read too much into the actual content. We\nwere only five or six at the time after all, but I do recall being\npleased to get the messages. I did use the crayons they sent me and\nmanaged to write back a couple of lines to say thank you. Then later\nduring my stay I got more letters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"A<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"A<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The content of the first set followed a theme, whereas the later letters were somewhat more freeform. Other cards and letters were from the extended family and family friends. Some were thoughtful and appropriate, others providing news. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"letter
The letters followed a theme<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

On discharge, I\nreceived a few letters at home from my school friends. How did they\nknow I had left hospital? I just accepted this as something else I\ndidn\u2019t know the answer to. But who had told them, and what did that\nsay about the whole episode? I locked these questions and\nimplications away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Easter
Happy Easter<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"Easter<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Life on the ward.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Visits from the\nconsultants were a big deal in the week, the ward tidied up and beds\nremade. I only have a vague, shadowy memory of the surgeon visiting\nme for a follow-up assessment on the ward, but it must have happened.\nWhat does it mean that I can\u2019t really remember? Anything?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a general\npaediatric surgical ward. On one occasion the urological surgeon came\nto review his patient in the bed next to me. The operation had not\nbeen a success. He asked the ward sister whether urine was still\ncoming from the same place, I vividly recall the pause and tension\nbefore she answered with very carefully chosen words. \u201cYes, I am\nsorry, the same place\u201d. I could see and feel him crumple in size\nand stature and then the memory fades out. The success of the\noperation obviously had meant so much to him and the failure was\nacutely unbearable. I had a very powerful urge to say something\nkindly and supportive to him. I can see now that this observation\nprofoundly contributed to my desire to become a doctor and maybe a\npsychiatrist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nWe were encouraged to sit at the table for meals if able. What did we\neat? I really can\u2019t remember. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The photograph of me at\nmealtime is underexposed but I include it because I find a number of\nthings are very interesting. The four busy nurses on the ward, the\nglass milk bottles and the ward layout for example. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Zachary
It took me a while to be sure that it actually was a picture of me. I don\u2019t look very happy or interested in what I was eating. Who took the photograph and why? <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The next couple of photographs were taken a little later. In passing, note the full length opening windows and level access to the outside, so the beds could be pushed outside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

My recollection of the\nnurses is that they were kind and engaging. When I had my dressings\nexchanged they were extremely sympathetic. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Measles.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The figures for 1957\nmake for shocking reading, 633,678 cases and 94 deaths in the UK. It\nis very easy for us now to forget or minimise the impact of childhood\ninfectious diseases. Those in hospital for whatever reason are\nespecially vulnerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The original transfer\nletter highlights the risks of infectious disease. It was a great\nworry for hospitals and staff. No vaccines and a closed institution\nwith high risk patients. Infection would spread within hours. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In March 1957 Tadworth\nCourt hospital imposes a strict isolation protocol. This includes no\nvisitors at all. It was explained in simple terms to me and in some\nways did not affect me very much. However, my parents had visited at\nevery opportunity, and given how ill I had become it must have caused\nthem great worry. At previous visits, birthday presents had been\ndiscussed, leaflets brought in for me to look at and consider. I had\nno idea of the cost of the wonderful train-set I was going to\nreceive. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As usual on Sunday,\nthis time my birthday, my parents made the long journey to the\nhospital to see me, bringing my present. They were not allowed to\ncome in, but had to stand outside at the window and opened the box to\nshow me the train set. A nurse had told me what was going to happen\nand I stood by the window. The train-set looked fantastic and I felt\nthrilled, but what to do, how could I show my thanks and pleasure? I\nhad no idea. The nurse was still with me and she prompted me to smile\nand wave, which I did. After a minute or two my dad carefully put the\nlid back on the box, they both looked up to me and waved, even at the\ntime I thought, sadly, turned and slowly walked away, taking the\ntrain set with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never did say thank\nyou properly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photographs.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\nI took these photographs when I was more\nmobile. Then, it was very unusual for a child to have a camera.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nEven in March, an outdoor life was considered\ngood for recovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Friends
Here are some of my fellow travellers. You won’t see these “witches hats” in playgrounds any more. They swing from side to side as well as around. Many children sustained serious injury, especially to their front teeth from the gyrations as it would hit any bystanders with considerable force.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Fresh air in February.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
I wasn\u2019t the only child frightened by the big tree and to adult eyes it must seem an odd thing to photograph. I kept quiet about my fear. It seemed to be really sinister and I was very frightened by the dark solid centre.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Shortly after my operation I was moved from the far end of the ward to be next to the nurses’ station. I presume because I wasn’t very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next three shots are from my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Zachary
From my bed.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
Originally I was on the right in the second bed from the far end.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
The fish tank worried me – what if it got knocked over?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The sand-pit bully.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

One of the most popular\nactivities was playing in the sand-pit. This was quite a grand\ncovered structure. After a while, I was allowed outside, but access\nto the sand-pit seemed to be limited and dominated by the older boys.\nEventually of course they leave. One insisted that the sand castle he\ncreated should be left intact for ever, and if it was knocked down he\nwould come back and rebuild it. At the time, I did wonder what\nmotivated him to be like that. Surely he could realise what a\nridiculous assertion that was? I was learning about psychology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, within\nminutes of his departure, it was destroyed with great ferocity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"The
A creative moment for me in the sand-pit.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Psychotherapy.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Another experience that\nsurprised me was my relationship with one of the other patients. Once\nI had got over the acute pain and begun recovery, inevitably you have\ntime. No television, radio, internet, mobile phones or other\nimmediate distractions were around at the time. I found myself\ntalking to the other patients.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One girl of 5 or 6, in\nparticular talked to me at length over the weeks about her home\nsituation. I can\u2019t remember the exact details, she was very unhappy\nand I think there was a lot of parental conflict. Before she left she\ntold me how useful it had been for her to talk to me and that it had\nhelped her to feel much better. I was taken aback by this news and\nalso pleased that our friendship and discussions had been helpful to\nher. I had learnt about the power and importance of active listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clearly, I didn\u2019t\nthink at the age of six that psychiatry would be the career for me,\nbut this was another formative experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
One of the nurses took these two photographs, and I am grateful to her for doing so.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"Andrew
What is it that she had identified I wonder?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

You do realise that\nover the years there are many people who have helped you, and you\nshould have thanked them, but didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I go home.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I was in hospital for\nat least 12 weeks. I can\u2019t remember being discharged and I returned\nto school early in the summer term. I had fallen behind with the\nschool work, but that didn\u2019t seem to matter too much. Within a week\nor so my time in hospital became encapsulated as a stand-alone\nmemory. It wasn\u2019t really discussed with my class mates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the follow-up\nappointment at Great Ormond Street hospital the surgical result was\nconsidered a success. I was sent off to have a photograph taken for\nthe medical notes. It is a pity that I don\u2019t have a copy. I wasn\u2019t\nasked about my views of the experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of other\noperations have been suggested, one in my teenage years which I\ndeclined on the basis that I didn\u2019t feel able to tolerate the post\noperative pain. It might have been helpful if I had said at the time\nthat was the reason. Overall, I don\u2019t think my disability has\ngreatly affected my life. I concentrate on what I can do, rather than\nwhat I can\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, Tadworth Court\nwasn\u2019t the last hospital experience. There was the time I got run\nover in a car accident. That, as they say, is another story, but it\ndidn\u2019t have the same emotional impact on me, though what my parents\nthought I don\u2019t exactly know, but perhaps can guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In later years at\nschool I became very interested in science, technology and\nphotography. I seriously considered a number of career options in\nthose fields. In the background though, I began to recognise that not\neverybody was interested in the emotional and psychological side of\nlife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I went to medical\nschool. After qualification, I took the opportunity to work in\npsychiatry, thinking that it would be useful in my career as a GP,\nbut in the end stayed in the speciality. I have been very lucky in\nthat it has really suited me and I remain passionate about what can\nbe achieved. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How much did my time in\nTadworth Court hospital contribute to that decision? In the end,\nprobably quite a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And now.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Looking at the\nphotographs now, it is a pity that I didn\u2019t have greater technical\nskills or take more photographs. But at least there are some. The\nletters and postcards make for interesting reading; they could so\neasily have been thrown away. It is difficult to know what to keep in\nlife, but my mother obviously recognised the emotional importance of\nthem to her and later, correctly, to me as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may seem remarkable\nthat I have so many clear memories of the time when I was only just\nsix years old. I observed the way one of the nurses was marginalised\nby her colleagues, leading to the formation of quite a sophisticated\nunderstanding of group dynamics and yet at the same time having\nchildish needs and perceptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do wonder though,\ngiven how much pain I was in, why didn\u2019t I ask for medication? Or\ndid I and none was forthcoming? And if so, what effect did that have\non me? I have been quite self-sufficient in many ways, does it\noriginate from then, or is that just who I am anyway?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"\"
A letter to home. A morsel of information for my parents to hold on to until their next visit.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

One of the main differences for me now, 60 years or so later is that I can see the experience a little more from my parents\u2019 perspective. What did they think when the postman delivered my letters? They never really discussed their feelings about me needing operations or the stormy time I had in Tadworth Court hospital. They died some years ago and I very much regret not having the chance to talk to them about it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Context. Lots of children have an admission to hospital and in many ways, my time as a patient in Tadworth Court hospital was an unremarkable experience. It is not something I dwell on. Opening a box of family keepsakes for another reason prompted me to look at some of the items and photographs of the … Continue reading “A scene from my life”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":268,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-270","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/270","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=270"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/270\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":359,"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/270\/revisions\/359"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/268"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drandrewmacaulay.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=270"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}